There are a few moments in the calendar year, that literally anyone of any age and demographic looks forward to. Christmas. That one hot day we call ‘summer’. The FA cup final either because you like football or you relish the thought of the town being empty and being able to go down on a Saturday to get some lunch bits for the next week without being elbowed in the growler down Asda’s reduced isle, and the X Factor.
Even those that say they don’t watch the X Factor have a suspiciously large amount of knowledge on the subject while you are all talking about it at the water cooler Monday. See Simon Cowell is no fool. He knows the end of August is PRECISELY when the weather starts to get shit enough for nights out to lose their sparkling and a night in on the sofa with some Doritios and dip seems like the more viable option.
The shake up on the judges panel this year has caused much controversy. With Grimmy and Rita Ora replacing Louis and Mel B, there is sure to be some salacious viewing.But is Cowells power house losing its touch, and will it ever churn out epic moments like this top ten?
10. One Directions Judges Houses Performance
In 2010, four little mop haired yobs and one absolutely delicious Asian guy who we all fancied but wouldn’t admit because it’s illegal rocked up to separately audition. In what was probably Simon Cowell’s best business decision (aside from releasing a Zig and Zag record, obviously), he put them together as a band. It’s hard to remember these lads who are travelling the world and dating (and breaking the hearts of ) beautiful famous women were once just a group of shy teens from all over the UK who go about ending up in the emergency room while they are away like judges houses was an all inclusive to Maga.
So the world all felt very silly, when they absolutely kicked bottom in this audition and we all just knew for a fact they were going to be huge.
The same year, we were treated to one of the more outrageous ‘novelty acts’ in X Factor history. Not only did his own mentor forget the pronunciation of his name every week, but the other contestants didn’t think much of him either. News stories emerged of Wagner looking down his nose at the X Factor contestants living in the house and genuinely being a bit of a tit. But as they say, it comes with the territory, and if he wasn’t completely bonkers we wouldn’t have had performances like this.
8. Shal Throwing a Glass of Water On Louis
One thing that everyone loved about Sharon Osbourne was that you never knew what she was going to do next. Like literally. Seeing her storm the stage dressed as a potato would not have been a surprise. Unfortunately, in 2005 Sharon ended up with quite a ropey bunch of groups and Journey South were included. After they sang what Louis deemed a ‘lazy’ version of ‘Angels’, Sharon chided Louis for making such comments. Quick to cause a scene, Louis offensively asked Sharon if she was taking Ozzy’s drugs. You are a lucky man Louis, anyone who has read Sharons book know that most get surprises in Tiffany boxes and not mere water.
7. Beyonce and Alexandra Burke
In 2008, Alexandra Burke got to live out every woman’s dream (no, not having 5 minutes to shave your legs without one of the kids wanting a wee, the OTHER dream) and sing with Beyonce. I would be absolutely bricking it if I were to share a stage with Queen Bey, but actually Alexandra nailed it. GIRL POWER.
6. Harry Styles Telling Matt Cardle He Would Get Loads Of…
Harry Styles, be it from his cheeky smile or that wonderful, glorious mop has always been known as the bad boy one. Now I don’t know how someone so clean cut to start off with who wore his Mums scarf to auditions could get that reputation, but I kind of guess it’s something to do with what he said to Matt Cardle after he was named the winner.
5. Jedward: Ghostbusters
In 2009, everyone had a good old laugh at Jedward. Louis act from his homeland Ireland tore onto the screen with their boundless energy and enthusiasm and potential to be marketed to teenage girls everywhere. Sure, their singing sounded like when the wire comes half out the speakers, but who cared, they were fun! Knowing how much it irritated Simon that people loved them, Louis just pushed them more and more, and made them more ridiculous by the week.
Even Simon started to come around, and if this performance of Ghostbusters got on his nerves, imagine how much the subsequent album sales, TV show and Eurovision entry must really get on his wick.
4. Ariel Burdett
A lot happened in 2008. None of which I can remember. I’m sure medals were won, people exploded onto the music scene and everyone had an opinion on some sort of TV series. one thing I DO remember though, it’s Ariel Burdett. You know when you tell a joke, someone doesn’t get it, and you have to explain thus rendering it totally NOT funny? Well I guess it’s the same with an audition. EXPLAINING WHY you are good is never going to make you ACTUALLY good.
She even managed to make Cheryl Cole mistake her for a toilet attendant and think she was in for a scrap.
‘We’re loud and bubbly” translation: ”We are both spoiled brats with no concept of the real world who become aggressive when things don’t go our way”.
There really are not a lot of things that can break up a true friendship. If you are true mates, you can get drunk and throw up in your mates flat, claim a paddling pool for the flats balcony is a relevant Birthday present and turn up for dinner six hours late with no repercussions. For ‘Ablisa’ though, this did not apply. Despite claiming to be like sisters, a punch up quickly ensued. Can’t remember which one is which, but the less bratty one lunched the more bratty one. If you are going to have a punch up with your bestie, the pub is probably better than the X Factor stage.
2. Cher Lloyd First Audition
When Cher Lloyd rocked up dressed like she was from Pitsea and said she was singing ‘Turn My Swag On’ (which most people who do not own a firearm have not heard of) we all thought one thing: CHAV. So what a surprise it was when little Cher got Cheryls attention and started to do really well. In the ever changing climate of the public opinion, she got boxed into a certain hole and wanted to do something different. When the ‘girl that raps’ came out and sang the opening bars of Shakespears Sister ‘Stay’ we all held our breath. We needed have. She smashed out one of the most beautiful performances in X Factor history. When I’m a bit richer and have actually found a bloke who will put up with me, I’m going to ask her to sing it at me wedding.
- 1. Zoe ‘No Way’
- There are two things on TV that I will watch over and over again and still laugh. The first is Jackie Stallone’s entrance into Celebrity Big Brother and her infamous line ‘YEAAAAAH, JACKIE’. The second is Zoe’s X Factor audition. Obviously wanting to make it abundantly clear she’d had, like, no training what so ever, Zoe thought she could be the next Christina. Unfortunately, it didn’t all go to plan and she now works for the same kids club I did in Greece. Soz about you, Zo.