You literally have nothing to wear
When you get old, your wardrobe changes. Gone are the fancy dresses and playsuits you buy yourself, replaced by the jeans you wear to walk the dogs, a handful of work clothes you resent paying so much for, your jogging bottoms you wear to have the girls round for a wine and then your REALLY minging joggers you wear to do housework that are speckled with bleach and oven cleaner. Planning a night out now involves a two week long military operation looking at things on ASOS that make the model look gorgeous, but when you order it and try it on you look like an actual potato.
You would rather sit at home and watch X Factor
In the winter, for an old person, Stricly and x Factor become such a standard norm on Saturday nights, that an invitation out meets with such trepidation you literally cannot imagine not knowing what Peter Andre gets scored for his tango or seeing what the latest novelty act sings on x Factor. Although you are fully aware you can catch up with a hangover Sunday morning, it still makes you slightly edgy that you cannot watch live as Simon Cowell delivers his latest barb or wind up to Cheryl.
You don’t know ANY of the music
You used to waltz into the club confident that you knew every single song on the DJs playlist, but age has caught up with you, and now your iPod is filled with songs from Frozen for the kids, garage songs you used to listen to aged 18 and that song from that advert you liked. Now, when you enter a club you do not even slightly recognize the music and to be honest, the repetitive beats kind of make you feel like you are on a very swirly train journey.
You are already thinking about your cab home, before you have even got there
When you were younger, you could easily go to Ministry with the confidence you could last until the first train home at 6am from Elephant and Castle, but now you are a responsible adult, getting home needs to be planned 7 weeks in advance just in case you get stranded and need to stay out later than 12am.
Hangovers last three days
When people used to talk about hangovers, you used to view them as a completely foreign place you had never been to and probably never would, like the Venezuelan Amazon or Margate. But once life and age start catching up with you, a night out out means a lot of planning as you will be out of action for at least the next three days.Not only do you need to plan accordingly for your hangover, but you also need to ensure neither of the kids have football or ballet which will see you up at the crack of dawn trying to hide your shame from the other parents.
You feel about 60
Your biggest understanding of life so far, is that the legal age of drinking is over 18, so you cannot for the life of you work out why you are standing in a club surrounded by people that don’t look old enough buy a Red Bull, let alone drink. This is what age does to you, and you need to stop classing yourself as ‘in your 20s’ because people that actually are in their 20s spend more time contouring than you do breathing or have Joey Essex haircuts.