My first night in a pub sober

Last night, I experienced my first night out during a Dryathlon.

One tip I would give my fellow Dryathletes, is if you are going to a pub without drinking, go to a good one.

The ‘Beehive’ in Basildon, is basically the pub in Basildon where people go if they do not fit into regular society. The DJ, plays Deep House on speakers that obviously cost a tenner with the Bass and High frequencies turned up so high that it starts your bowels moving, and there is no trace of the mid frequencies ever so in the unlikely event there are words in the generic garage deep house song being played you wont hear them in there. Safe to say if you are DJing in the Beehive you have not done well in life.

I don’t mind not drinking, I really don’t, I do mind however being in a pub where there are people over 80 singing from either ‘Now 1’ or ‘101 karaoke songs no ones ever heard of’. Sort out your business plan Beehive, do karaoke on a weeknight.

Special mention here to my friends Charlotte and Ellis who I bumped into who made my night all that more entertaining. Charlotte has amazing skills at saving tables (she basically lays on them) so if you are ever going to the Harvester or Cinema or a pub I’m happy to put you in touch with her so she can get to the venue an hour before and lay on some seats for you.

Mid way through the sober night, my merry Mum comes over to me and goes ‘That woman just barged me because I was dancing while she was singing and told me to go away because it’s her birthday’. That ‘woman’ it turned out was someone who’s son went to juniors with me, and instead of embracing her birthday buddy my Mum, she decided Jan does not tolerate her thunder being stolen.

After being more or less kicked out (you know when a pub subtly turn off the TV’s, music and lights) we decided to go to Cosmos, my Aunty Gill waiting for someone for their lift.If I can’t drink I am sure as hell going to eat.

So while we were waiting there at the counter discussing what food we liked (I said ‘I like kebabs, with any luck I might get one soon’. Being sarcastic doesn’t get your food any quicker), we received a call from Aunty Gill to say some woman’s fell over and hit her head and she was waiting with her for her taxi.

And who was it?

Jan. of course it was Jan. Of the 15 other people in that pub, it had to be Jan.

Man comes over ‘Oh you’ve fell over on your birthday’

Jan ‘how does everyone know it’s my birthday?’

Me ‘you might of mentioned it Jan’

Having known Jan previously, we did have to laugh after we’d bundled her in a taxi to a street called ‘Little Lullaway’, when we assessed the situation after we are pretty sure she lives in ‘Little Bentley’.

So Jan, if you are reading this, please accept our apologies. We tried to help, but if you are still knocking around all the streets that start with ‘Little’ in Basildon in an A&B Taxi we really didn’t mean it intentionally.

That will be the last time you barge MY Mum off the dance floor though.

If you would like a little inkling on how chavvy the pub is, please see below for their ingenuous ‘space saving’ solutions in the toilets.


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