How to spot a Chav

I have noticed a problem in Essex and I am posing the serious question ‘how do we solve it?’.

Chav’s originated in 1996 with the invention of the Kappa tracksuit and rizla. Soon after, the word was entered into the dictionary and accepted by society. The worst thing though, and I mean the ABSOLUTE worst thing, is that after this, actually BEING ONE became something to be proud of.


If you want to spot a Chav in their natural habitat, pop to Basildon bus station at 7.30am and look for them all in their pack with their JD sports bags, smoking a joint and playing music out loud on their phones. If you do see them, please do NOT talk about anything cultural like foreign affairs, or you will scare them off.  Their feeding habits are not REALLY out of the ordinary, but you will see them at KFC on a Sunday getting a ‘Baaaaaargin bucket’ because chicken and gravy counts as a Sunday dinner.

The mating call ‘get your rat out’ has been passed down through generations, and although it appears outwardly it shouldn’t work, sales of baby New Era caps speak for themselves. While every precaution has been made to encourage them not to breed (free stuff like contraception is a natural chav attractant), it is not a viable lifestyle for them to not have 5 kids or they will not receive benefits. One of the reasons they are so much harder than common house pests to eradicate is because they actually go out and spend their benefits poisoning THEMSELVES every weekend with cans of ‘K’. Another reason is that chavs are genetically born without the part of the brain that tells them they are a chav, so they just believe they are completely normal. If you do not think any of your friends are chavvy, YOU are probably the chav of the group.


So, even though they are a drain on the economy, bring no money or intellect, commit every crime going and have no respect for others, lets embrace the fact they are here to stay and celebrate them for the genuine Jeremy Kyle fodder they are.


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