Bannatyne Health Club and Spa – Chafford Hundred

Or ‘chavvy hundred’ as I am now going to call it.

I have to admit I do feel relaxed after my spa day here, but I do wonder if Duncan Bannatyne was off he’s tits when he decided to let children into the Health Club at the same time as spa guests?

We arrived at Bannatynes a couple of hours before our treatments, and the lovely girl on reception sorted out robes and slippers (which there was a £3 charge for – cheeky) and showed us around the whole health club. I’ve been in far more expensive spa’s and the receptionists just look at you like you have urinated on their child. So far so good I’m thinking. This is efficient.

The ‘so far so good’ part really was true because by time we got to the pool things were NOT good. Unfortunately, it seems wherever I go, spa days, shopping, theme parks, there is always one absolutely annoying human that seems to follow you around all day. Today in the Jacuzzi when we first arrived we were treated to the life story of the loudest man in the world and his two equally loud brats.

Although Duncan Bannatynes business plan is flawless on paper (perfect facilities, modern, clean, well trained staff), he cannot account for the clientele. Obviously he cannot turn away business but her certainly lost some today based on the attitude of his customers. I also think it’s ridiculous that children are allowed to use the health club with the spa guests. My day went as follows:

Jacuzzi – screaming kids

Sauna – still hear the screaming kids

Pool – couldn’t go in – screaming kids

Steam room – could still hear and see screaming kids

The only salvation was the beautiful outdoor hot tub, which saved the day. If it were raining I’m afraid to say me and Mum would of run a  mile after our first hour. We both had treatments booked, and went into the relaxation room beforehand. Bit better in there. Lovely heated stone beds, no screaming kids. This was after nearly missing our treatment time because the café took half an hour to microwave an omelette. If you do visit, go a good couple of hours before your treatment just to be on the safe side. We also, obviously, run into our mate Mr Annoying ordering everything they do and then wanting to pay separately when the woman had already run it through. The screaming kids actually downgraded to humming though, which was better.

The actual treatments were amazing, all of the spa girls do a fantastic job. One of the receptionists even went completely out of her way to show me where the toilet was. The market is so saturated with beauticians currently, the poor girls cant earn much and they really do look after you and go that extra mile. If one of them had accidently killed off annoying man with some acupuncture needles I would of given them 100% perfect rating as staff members.

Fortunately, said dickhead had left by time we got back to the pool area for the rest of our day.

There are so many AMAZING touches to this spa (Tv’s in the wall in the Jacuzzi area, relaxation room complete with iced lemon water and free apples, outdoor hot tub, family communal changing area, immaculate changing rooms, reasonably priced food) its just a shame my day was completely ruined by the offspring of the chavviest town in Essex.


We booked through on the two for one spa day offer.

Total cost £69.00 for two people including back and scalp massages each, and unlimited use of the health club.



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