1. Wear a flowery headband and denim shorts.
If its a weekend festival, you must go out and buy 4 x flowery headbands and shorts. Flowery headbands and shorts originate from festivals ACTUAL hippies attended like Woodstock, and then filtered down from the catwalk (yes, Dior have been known to show a flowery headband you know), down through Topshop and then onto the masses who instead of having an individual fashion sense just buy everything Topshop sell. If you are going to a festival, the best way to show you are a ‘Free spirit’ is to get one of these.
2. Get an injury.
Drunk people and tent pegs don’t mix. Drunk people and tens don’t mix. Drunk people and large PA systems don’t mix. Nor do irresponsible food vendors. I was once so smashed at V, I ate a searing hot corn on the cob and woke up looking like Leslie Ash. It took me weeks to realise why my lips had swollen, then I slowly but surely recollected munching through a corn on the cob with boiling hot butter on it.
3. See a singer your Mum used to listen to.
What’s all this shit lately with random oldies getting in on the festival action? Stevie wonder at Glasto? (at least he couldn’t see all that mud), Dolly Parton doing Glasto this year. I mean Dolly Parton is a complete icon but I cant imagine people dropping a pill and calling ‘9 til 5’ a ‘banger’.
4. Refuse to shower.
Yep, for some absolute mingers, personal hygiene and festivals don’t go hand in hand. The best excuse is, ‘the shower is too dirty’. Well it’s going to make you a bit cleaner than you are now after stewing in your own filth for 3 days, in mud and other peoples piss.
5. Piss in a cup and throw it at the crowd.
What? You’ve bought a Reading ticket and your NOT planning on pissing in a cup and throwing it in the crowd? What are you doing with your life? What’s the point of even getting a ticket? Festivals were invented so people could stand and have a golden shower while watching their favourite bands, don’t be such a kill joy.
6. Take too much stuff.
People who have climbed K2 and say it was hard work have obviously never had to park in the car park 68 miles away from the red camp and carry all of their stuff to the tent. While packing, it sounds so easy to ‘Cut down’, but you just cant bring yourself to exclude that paddling pool, the 78 pot noodles and those multi packs of toilet roll.
7. Lose your tent.
Why oh why do tents have to look exactly the fucking same? it’s hard enough finding your tent when you go on a quiet family Keycamp holiday, let alone when you’ve drunk some questionable vodka, it’s pitch black you’ve been in the sun all day. I once went to a festival and tied a duck umbrella to our tent, which was a great idea until it started pissing down.
8. Wander around on your own for a bit.
Inevitably, you WILL get lost at a festival, in Ibiza, or when you pop to Asda’s with a hangover. Festivals are a have a very large amount of people in one area and considering everyone there is in their flowery headband and denim shorts, its going to be hard to find you mates. You WILL get lost, you WILL sob uncontrollably while drunk, you WILL make friends with strangers who will look after you and let you sit and drink with them, and then your friends WILL stumble past you and shout ‘we’ve been looking for you everywhere’ (lies) and it will be like the end of Homeward Bound.
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