It’s summer in Essex

Features

If you want a barometer of how summery it is, then Essex is the place in England to find out. The minute the UK stops being plunged into pure darkness 24/7 the cast of Jeremy Kyle come out and about in their tights and white denim shorts. I know at one point this was acceptable fashion, but its not any more, so please do not wear this attire if you are not an 8 year old girl.

People think that Essex is glamorous but a trip ‘Daaaaan Sarfend’ on a summers day and you may just change your opinion. A myriad of tracksuits, Primark vest tops (I’m not slating they do come in handy) and leopard print, summer in Essex is about as glamorous as pie and mash. If you are from Essex, the rules state the things you need to do when the sun pops its head out are:

1. If you have a car, you need to go down to Southend playing ‘Deepauus’ (deep house) really really loudly. It is preferential if you have a new shape Fiesta but not essential. If you are a girl, you 100% need to be wearing fake Ray Bans and if you are a boy you need to be wearing fake Ray Bans, no top and jeans that accentuate the fact your legs are skinner than most ladies legs, despite the fact you tag yourself at the gym and write ‘leg day’ about 4 times a week.

2. You need to go to the Peterboat in Leigh on Sea. It is essential that you do this. If you have never been to the Peterboat I question your Essex-ness. Leigh on Sea in general is quite posh, so I’m sure how glad they are there is a pub that everyone in a Lacoste top meets up at right on their doorstep.

3. You MUST snapchat, Instagram, Tweet AND Facebook a picture of your Bullmers. Seriously, the rest of the world might not appreciate that you are hard enough to drink flavoured cider, so it really is a waste of drinking it if you don’t let everyone know.

4. Another thing you also MUST put on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and snapchat is the countdown to the festivals and boat parties you cant wait for that play shit music and slapped your arse for about £80 a ticket, your holiday to Malia/Magaluf/Marbs (or a similar place beginning with M) and the pool party that you got a ticket to because someone you know knows someone who works with someone who does someones hair for someone who was on TOWIE for 3 seconds.

5. The last thing you need to do when the sun comes out in Essex, is moan about how hot it is. We all spend winter moaning about how cold it is, so why would we NOT moan about how hot it is in the summer?

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