10 things only people with weak bladders will understand
1. Trust me, we would LOVE to be able to sit through a whole film at the cinema.
So you can huff and puff all you want when we get up to use the bathroom. It’s no picnic for us going to see Black Swan, coming back from a quick wee and the main character is suddenly a Lesbian. There are countless scenes us weak bladdered folk see on DVD and think ‘I don’t remember seeing that at the cinema’. No. It’s because that 8oz coke and popcorn deal deal did us more harm than good. So next time you bitch about the person who momentarily ruined the frame for you for a fraction of a second, think of how annoying it is for them to have JUST got comfortable in those ridiculous cinema seats that resemble your natural body shape in no way at all and have to get up to nip to the cold toilet.
(image from: http://screenrant.com/netflix-digital-killing-movie-theaters/)
2. Yes, we KNOW we are supposed to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
However, if we do this it will result in us needing the toilet approximately 74 times. Water is about as bad as tea when it comes to going straight through us, and as much as we would love to have clear skin and more energy, we actually have a job to do and unfortunately cannot spend the whole day on the toilet. While we are on the subject, people with weak bladders also suffer from colleagues looking at them like they have been to the toilet 4 times in an hour to ‘skive off’ but really it’s because we are going to ‘wet ourselves’
(image from: http://www.uniteforclimate.org/keeping-your-water-safe/)
3. We HAVE to know where the toilets are when we access the community.
The looks you get when you ask where the toilets are for future knowledge are always a treat, but unfortunately for the water retention challenged, this information is vital. In Thailand, I had the misfortune of asking the beach attendant where the toilet was for future knowledge, then jumping straight in the sea for a swim, so I can only imagine what he thought of me. If someone to invent an iPhone app where you can find out where the toilet is in every single public place I would definitely pay for this. It would also be great if someone could tell you in advance if there is toilet roll.
(image from: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:San_Francisco_public_toilet.JPG)
4. Having to use train/aeroplane/coach toilets.
While most people turn up their nose at toilets on various modes of transport due to them being smelly and like an upright coffin, there is nothing us cherished few with weak bladders can do but put toilet roll down and hope there isn’t and dire turbulence while we are getting rid of all that free water and coffee the nice flight attendant bought us.The train toilets are also a paeticular treat, as you can play the ‘have I locked it or haven’t I roulette’ game and wait with trepidation to see if you will have a nice, peaceful, undisturbed wee, or if someone will barge in while your tights are round your ankles and you are tearing off thousands of minuscule strips of toilet paper.
5. Having to stop at the services EVERY journey.
Even if we are just popping to Tesco’s. The problem with service stations is that they are always at the very back, so on the way to or from the toilet you are enticed to buy a soggy sandwich from WH Smith that cost you more than your car, a book about loom bands and a very handy organizer for your passenger mirror in your car that you can fit your CD’s AND a pen in. A PEN. You also have the added misery of dragging the kids past several fast food outlets, because no doubt even though they have not long had dinner they will become absolutely starving when a Happy Meal lurks on the horizon.
(image from: http://www.fotolibra.com/gallery/1122585/motorway-services-uk/)
6. Being that person that absolutely HAS to pay 30p for the toilet at Euston station.
Let’s face it, paying for a wee is a basic infringement on human rights. I mean, even dogs don’t need to pay and will happily piss up any tree they see fit. But no, in the UK, the barmy land where not paying a licence for a box that makes pictures can get you put into prison but pedophiles walk free and get housed next to schools, there are some places that CHARGE you for the toilet. These places are mainly in London, because not content with being the city that charges you about £8 for a sandwich, if you want to go and see Big Ben and other tourist sights like people coming out of Ministry of Sound off their tits at 6am, you are probably going to need to get a short term loan for all the wee’s you will need to pay for.
(image from: http://www.touristbee.com/photos/England/London-03_2011/imgpages/london-01.html)
7. Wondering if when you laugh, you will leak.
As safe as we feel in our favorite Diary Doll numbers (http://confessionsofasoberessexgirl.co.uk/2014/10/28/diary-doll/), you still can’t help but feel if that one little joke will push you over the edge. Apparently it gets worse with child birth, but enjoying side splitting laughter can still cause you to need to get to a toilet pronto. If you are in central London you may want to plan your jokes and pocket change accordingly, as well as getting up your app that tells you where all the public toilets are. This is the sort of military planning people with weak bladders have to aspire towards if they want an embarrassment free day.
8. Not being able to have your belt too tight.
The lesser of two evils in this case, is not pissing yourself. Although you will be going round pulling your trousers up all day or not bothering and looking like you are trying to fashion a Los Angeles gangsta rap look, this is by and far better than having your belt that one hole tighter, pressing on your bladder and having to excuse yourself to go to the toilet every 5 minutes. Better that your colleagues and friends see a bit of bum overhang now and again than assuming you have a raging drug habit and carting you off to rehab because you have used the toilet 48 times before lunch.
(image from: http://s1.harrysoflondon.com/product_info/gift-ideas/casual-belt-natural-calf-dark-brown)
9. Having to constantly have a pack of toilet roll on your person in case you need to wee in a bush.
Turn your noses up as you may, normal bladdered people, but the reality of it is, sometimes their just isn’t a toilet. As nice as it is to think of human people going to the toilet on diamond encrusted seats while drinking tea with our little fingers up in the air, a ‘roadside wee’ is more common practice than you think. Anyone who says they haven’t got out of the car and wee’d at the side of the road is a liar like people who say they enjoy opera and people who say they didn’t mind looking after your kids because they were angels.
(image from: https://annachistore.com/product/toilet-roll-2/)
10. Your Mum/partner/roommate getting a face on because you get up 7 times in the night to wee.
Oh, I’m sorry. Is laying there still in your warm, comfortable spot in bed listening to me get up out of the comfortable, warm spot it took me 45 minutes to craft to sit on a cold toilet seat inconvenient to your life?
I do apologize, next time perhaps I shall just wet the bed I am sharing with you?
We REALLY couldn’t think of anything worse than throwing back the covers and making that midnight dash across the house to the toilet, so moaning about it probably isn’t going to be taken seriously, as you are not the one who does the landing Olympics a good few times a night.
(image from: http://slumberwise.com/sleep-better/why-do-i-wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night/)