(Disclaimer: these are my opinions. I am not a qualified medical professional. The only medical advice I AM qualified to give you, is that Cranberry juice alone will not get rid of it).
1. Don’t eat shit.
This one sounds obvious right? WRONG. There are so many diets out there advocating cheat days. So many celebs ‘oh I don’t deny myself anything’. What they DON’T tell you is that when they have chocolate, they have one tiny square and not an entire family size Galaxy. if you are going to have a cheat day and have a cheesecake sandwich and 6 cheeseburgers you are OBVIOUSLY not going to lose weight. It’s also worth noting, that simply educating yourself on healthy food will help. Imagine my horror the other day when I found out there was over 200 calories in one bagel. (Or as my Nan calls them Beagles). I always thought bagels with lashings of cream cheese was what Olympic runners with washboard stomachs eat, but alas that is not the case. I have one single, solitary New York Bagel left in me cupboard and he looks more lonely than Lee Ryan’s online dating profile.
2. You have to exercise for AGES.
You have to exercise for around an hour to burn off one Freddo. So see above, could you imagine how long you have to exercise to burn off all of the things you ate on a cheat day? You would need to run from here to approximately Ukraine to burn off six cheeseburger. That 15 minutes you do at the gym before fucking it off to go in the sauna won’t even burn off a boiled egg.
3. Food that’s good for you doesn’t taste of anything.
Take spinach for example. Does anyone actually ever CRAVE spinach? or lettuce. Lettuce to me tastes like putting my face in the grass in my back garden. Lets face it, cows eat that shit all day and they are massive, so there’s really no hope for us.
4. It’s not just calories you need to looks out for.
The health world has come to decide, that as well as calories, there is a LOT more we should be looking out for. it’s just been in the news that we need to look out for sugar more than calories. Sugar is the new crack. Throw everything with sugar out right now. Give it to the cats. Stop having sugar in your coffee. Stop putting the Polio vaccination on sugar cubes. It will kill more than it cures. There are also calories from fat. Put your hands up if you know what that means? thought so. Transfats. what the fuck are transfats? Are they robots? To be honest, the only person who knows what all this means is Gillian McKeith, and look what good it did her:
5. The mirrors in the gym and the sunbed shop make you look horrendous.
No matter how much weight you’ve lost, if you look in the mirror at the gym you will look like Mama June from Honey Boo Boo.
I don’t know how they create the illusion you’ve lost fuck all and still look like someone who needs a Stannah stair lift.
This optical illusion is also recreated in the mirrors of the sunbed shop which also make you look like you haven’t been out in the sun since 1992.
6. Celebrities have personal trainers, nutritionists and all the time in the world.
So why we are all here trying to fit in, exercise, learning about food, and cooking up all these healthy meals, all the celebs you see in the magazines have people doing it for them. If you are a celeb, chances are you will wake up, go for a PT session, have all your meals pre prepared, mince into your ’boutique’ for 6 minutes and then go home and write an article for Take a Break.
in the real world, we work 9 – 5 and by time the weekend comes we want to sit in our trackie eating pizza and envying all of the splash contestants figures while doing nothing to achieve this ourselves apart from moaning.
7. Fad diets don’t work.
A lot of nutritionists argue that when you do a ‘fad’ diet, the body goes into starvation mode and actually clings on all to the calories it possibly can. I have personally tried the 5:2 diet (see article here: http://confessionsofasoberessexgirl.co.uk/2014/01/10/the-52-diet-feast-and-fast-aka-starve-and-starve-less/) and I can honestly say that after a fast day it’s a struggle not to eat everything in the fridge and then the fridge. I had to give it up where it got to the point I was actually having dreams about being allowed to eat food, which isn’t health but if probably more healthy than the time I had a dream a giant teddy was in my garden singing ‘No Woman, No Cry’
8. Exercise doesn’t work for anyone.
I’m sorry to have to break this people. There really are some people out there who exercise just doesn’t work for, because of certain genetics. So sorry to shit all over your Thursday, but you might just be one of those people that runs like the wind every day and still looks like a house.
9. Similarly, there are some people who actually can’t have ‘ab’s’.
Yep, the gyms won’t tell you this one kids. There are ACTUALLY people who can’t have ab’s because of the way the bodies made up. This is the excuse I am going to use for the rest of my life while drinking wine and wondering why I don’t looks like Lucy Meck.
10. If you get thinner, your boobs will get smaller
A great woman called Toni once gave me some AMAZING ADVICE;
‘ if you want bigger boobs, just get really fat’.
In reverse, if you want to be thin chances are you will need to start saving for a boob job.