So, ahead of Valentines day, I know there are those who are inclined to be morose about their current relationship status. I thought I would share 10 of my favourite things about being a single lady.
1. You can starfish.
No putting up with someone snoring, farting, rolling over laying on you, or having a 5 year old strop when you get up earlier than them and use the hairdryer. You can creep into bed (at 8pm, because no one will know) and starfish to your hearts content. Whatever various animals you have in place of a significant other will well fit in if it’s just you in a double bed, so you can act like a pervy Dr Dolittle.
2. You don’t have to deal with toothpaste spit all over the sink.
Because let’s face it, men are physically incapable of brushing their teeth without spitting toothpaste in a more or less 360 angle around the bathroom. Women spit the toothpaste spit in the PLUGHOLE, like a NORMAL PERSON, but men obviously lack the gene for aim when they receive the Y chromosome because they all miss the seat too. So, hurrah for being single and being able to get showered in the morning without your bathroom being a pissy, toothpasty warzone.
3. You will not have to clean skiddy pants.
We’ve all been there, there’s no hard feelings, lets not name and shame. This one speaks for itself.
4. You have more money to spend on yourself (or your cat).
Lets even take out of the equation having to bail your fella out when he has spent half his wages on gambling/alcohol/drugs. What about Christmas and Birthdays? Not only do you have to get your other half something decent, but you also have to buy for their Mum, Dad, Nan and Grandad, neighbour, aunt’s dog. Is it me, or are you partners families always ten times the size of your own? When you are single Christmas is so cheap, you can afford to go and get yourself a small treat for the effort. Like a new Range Rover or a Prada bag.
5. You don’t have to constantly worry if your being lied to.
If your parents or friends lied to you, you would be about as bothered as you are about the Winter Olympics (admit it, you don’t give a shit?). While being a single lady about town, you do not need to have that constant feeling that there is something going on you don’t know about. Because there are loads of things going on you don’t know about but you are too busy being a total slut to care.
6.You don’t need to ask permission to go about your life.
Absolutely EVERYONE in a couple say’s ‘I don’t need to ask permission to do so and so’ then the minute you ask them to do so and so they say ‘I’ll just run it past him’. Basically having a relationship means giving up any sort of sense of identity apart from your name badge at work, so you can see why people liken it to a jail sentence. Isn’t it nice when your single to enjoy a night out with female AND male friends without a snide text message every 15 minutes?
7. You don’t have to put a bra on.
No matter how comfortable you are together, you still feel a bit naked if the girls are swinging about like earrings. So while relaxing at home together you still put a bra on. If you are single you can walk about in no bra, purple trousers a bright red top and orange socks if you want. Cats are colour-blind.
8. You can drink as much as you want without being labelled ‘an embarrassment’.
Yes, have a good drink out with your other half and you are being embarrassing the minute you are slightly tipsy. If you are single you can go out at get so wasted that you come home in a traffic cone and someone else’s t shirt. If any men you do encounter on your night out think you are ‘an embarrassment’ they are unlikely to mention it every 5 seconds like your partner would because they want to ‘sleep with you’
9. You don’t have to put up with someone’s shit for the other 364 days of the year.
All of your partnered up friends get some flowers from the garage and a dairy box every February the 14th, but they also have to put up with someone else’s shit for 364 days a year. If you are single go and buy yourself the Dairy Box, sack off the flowers and buy an M&S dine in for 2 to yourself.
10. You can watch as much shit TV as you want.
You can sit and indulge in ALL of the soaps without someone moaning its unrealistic. Yes, we are all aware that men will happily watch 90 minutes of idiots chasing a ball like a cat around the living room but they just CANNOT handle Eastenders. When you are single, you can watch as much Honey Boo Boo if you want with no one there to judge you, and it is a little bit ok if you watch the live feed to big brother or the same episode of Friends twice in one day. You can even watch Neighbours and manage to keep it a secret.