1. All men go to the gym topless (and are stunning and ripped).
Now I don’t know if I am going to the right gym or not (jokes, I don’t go to the gym), but all the men in mine seem to be around 40 and wearing very dark t shirts with sweat stains. Not once have I seen an Adonis like Dan from TOWIE rip his shirt off and start doing weights.I did see a man once with quite short shorts on, if that counts?
2. All of the clubs play shit music and serve drinks in ‘Posh plastic’.
There really are some good nightclubs in Essex, so please don’t tar all of them with the ‘faces’ brush. I’m also baffled at where all these posh wine glasses have popped up from because I swear last time I went to Sugar Hut my drink was in a poundshop plastic cup.
3. We all graffiti our pets.
Although I don’t think it actually harmed the dog, I still think it was slightly cruel to let poor Lola go around looking like a Valentines Day Muff experiment. Please do not be under the impression everyone from Essex spray paints their dogs.
4. We all say ‘Shut Up’.
I’m fairly sure there are people in Essex who have made it their entire lives without telling someone to ‘Shut up’ when they say something slightly unbelievable. Mind blowing isn’t it?
5. All the men are cheats.
Most men, are in fact arseholes. It is a scientific fact, like the fact that we all evolved from fish. It is not a scientific fact however, that they ALL are, and unfortunately Essex Lads get a very rough time in TOWIE. I’m sure somewhere there is at least ONE guy who can manage not to sex Tweet another lady while he is with someone. If anyone finds him my number is 079…..
6. We all literally wear heels to have a pooh.
Oh those Essex girls, always knocking about in their white stilettos in Asda. Just to put this to bed, most women in Essex don’t even like wearing heels going out (in Basildon the dress code is tracksuits and trainers), so it’s really not attainable for us to wear them as much as the ladies in TOWIE.
7. We have nothing better to do than get our nails done and go to lunch.
Oh I’m always in the nail shop sipping a glass of bubbly me. NOT. for a start I’ve never been in a nail place in my LIFE that you can drink wine in, and for second I have a job. An ACTUAL job. That I have to go to. And do. Monday to Friday.
8. We all have Range Rovers or Audis.
In actual fact, most of the CAST do not even own their Range Rovers and Audi’s. Mario actually had to downgrade to a Fiat Uno because his flashy car from his first series was too expensive. SHUT UP.
9. We can’t go one night out without a catfight.
Unless you go to Southend where there is a 99.9% chance some girls will start on you for no reason, it is quite easy to avoid cat fights on nights out. The easiest way to do it, is to just NOT start a fight. Top tip right there.
10. We practically bath in Prosecco.
I’m partial to a glass of prosecco as much as the next person, but in Essex, we do not REALLY drink it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Some peoples workplaces may be ok with them turning up off their tits at 8.45am but unfortunately, most are not.